so so

My day has kinda levelled out to a feeling of numbness. I haven't felt any worse today or much better. I took the dog out again which was good because the sun came out and I laughed out loud with the other park-goers and their dogs. Right now my dog is sleeping on the back of the couch, twitching as he tries to catch up with his doggy pals in his dreamland.

Well that's the weekend all but over. Back to work tomorrow. I have a sinking feeling about it but I'm not sure if this is because I don't want to go specifically to my work to do my job, or that I just want to be able to do what I want when I want for another couple of days. I hope I don't feel like this for the rest of my working life: hating Sundays dreading Mondays.

Just had the OH on the phone from his work for the 6th time today. He thought I sounded down and asked what was wrong. I said I was fed up. He asked if it was anything to do with him. I grunted non-commitedly. Then he had to go.

This is the way it usually goes between us. We touch slighty on the fact there may be a problem. Sometimes, shock horror, we even discuss it. Then we shout, I cry and we promise, then it goes back to normal until the next time. But now there's a new problem. I can't be bothered discussing it. I don't have the energy to dance around each other throwing the same accusations, the same apologies, the same promises. All for the same outcome. Lately I've been imagining us living apart. It hurts. Does this mean it's wrong?

some insight

Q: What is this blog about?
A: Nothing in particular.

I have had a couple of blogs before but they haven't lasted. Mainly because I have started them when something important is going on in my life and they have mainly been about that. However, that became very hard work as I sometimes wanted to talk about something else but there was no place for it in that specific blog. In the end they all just faded away into cyber space.

So I decided just to start a blog about anything. It may last, it may not. But at least I'm now not restricted to one specific topic. I can talk about whatever I want - yay! I like talking.

bad day

I'm having a really bad day today so far. I woke up with a really heavy knotted feeling in my stomach that has just got worse as the morning has wore on. Had a bit of a cry earlier on which has just left me with a sore head.

The OH is just leaving for work again shortly so it'll be next weekend before I see him properly due to his shifts this week and the fact I'm away on business for a couple of days this week. He doesn't seem bothered though. I did mention it yesterday when he said (again) he was going out without me. I said that it would be ages until I saw him again and he just asked what my point was. He didn't say it callously but he didn't change his plans. Not that they aren't the same plans he makes every single week at least 2/3 times. I find it all so tedious. I find my life so tedious just now.

I have so much to do today and I just don't have the mental energy. I've done a couple of washings, taken the dog out, done the dishes. But I've so much more to do. I can't be bothered. Today is a black day.

bare necessities

Mmm, this blog is looking a little bare.

Think I'll have to do some sprucing up shortly. Add a bit of colour here and there, some photos, candles...

Note to self: will need to get some colour charts...

wonderings

I've just been having a look on the web at some proverbs and came across this one: "It's better to be alone than in bad company". As proverbs go it is pretty standard and straight-forward. Yea it makes sense however is it practical? Is it really better to be alone than in bad company? All the time? In every instance? Don't get me wrong, most of the time I would rather be on my own than with people who are emotionally draining. But sometimes you just need to be with people no matter what negativity they bring to the meeting. I suppose the moral of the story is that you should only surround yourself with people who have a positive influence in your life. Huh. Flashbulb moment. That's what it's getting at.

I guess I'm mulling these thoughts over because at this point in my life I'm reassessing my relationships with friends. I continuously feel as though I'm migrating away from them and it's a little scary. I feel as though we have nothing in common anymore. Although, in retrospect, all we had in common was drinking and partying. We are a group of different ages, different sexes and and, well, differences. Normally, with the odd lapse, we'd go about our normal life during the week then meet up at weekends for a good p***-up. But I'm bored with that. I want more from life. I'm sick of being ill with a hangover all during the day at weekends and getting nothing productive done. I have enjoyed it but it's past tense. They are all still doing it and enjoying it but I just don't want to anymore. The problem is that as I pull myself away I’m finding that I’m becoming more and more isolated. They have been my friends for so long, and took up my spare time, that I don’t have any other ones. Not that that’s a reason to stay doing the same thing weekend in weekend out. I don’t know anymore.

The scary thing is my fiancé is still part of this group and he knows how I feel about getting drunk every weekend and that I don’t want to do it. However, he does. Therefore the drinking and partying wins. This has been brought up on many occasions over the years i.e. that he would rather be in the pub than spend time with me. I feel as though time is running out for us. I love him but how can we be together if we don’t have the same goals? He wants to go out partying in all his spare time and I don’t. We don’t spend any quality time together. We spoke about this briefly during the week when I started to tentatively voice my concerns. He said don’t, he’s been through this before. You see, his girlfriend of 13 years left him 8 years ago because her life was moving in a different direction and she no longer wanted to do the partying scene anymore and wanted to settle down. And he feels that it’s happening again with me. And I think he’s maybe right. But it angers me to think he’s willing to let the same thing happen again. I’m not expecting him to have a pipe in front of the fire with his slippers on every night but I think things need to be re-evaluated. The guy he sees most night he’s free is single and lives with another guy in a flat. My fiancé isn’t single and therefore can’t live the single life. I’m not saying he’s cheating or anything like that he just likes to go out and have a good drink any chance he can and if I’m not up for it then that’s just tough on me. Or at least, that’s what it seems like.

Back to the posts original topic - proverbs. One proverb I can't fathom is "a miss is as good as a mile". Nope. Don't. Get. It.