It's been a little while since I've posted but it's been a bit hectic. Work has been pandemonium with not a spare minute. Although I don't post at work it has a knock on effect and results in me being too tired at night to spend time blogging.

Anyway enough about that. Have had quite a good week so far, it's been very quick which means it's nearly time for the long weekend! Have 3 days off this weekend. Bliss. I heart bank holidays.

yawn

I'm so tired all the time lately. I come home from work just after 7pm, have my dinner and then want to go to bed as soon as possible. The house is a disaster - the dishes are still there from last night's dinner! I just don't have the energy to do anything... Luckily OH walked the dog earlier - it took me so long to get home that, surprise surprise, I was too tired to take him out.

OH is out at a friends house so think I'll just head to bed shortly with a book.

mmm, i'm not sure

I have a dilemma of ginormous proportions.

I don't know what to do.

Woe, is me.

Should it be...

New shoes OR new jeans...??

I can't have both. Well I could, but it's easier to get away with "what? these old things??" on one thing at a time. And preferably with a couple of months in between.

tick tock

OH and I had a brief chat a few days ago which has left me a-wondering. We have been having a few financial problems that has resulted in us having to put off our wedding plans and the likes. To cut a long story short,whilst I was at university, we spent on credit without thinking of the consequences and, as a result, we are paying for it now. Probably ten-fold. Anyhoo, we've taken hold of the situation and are managing, barely.

Back to the original topic, OH told me the other day he had a 3 and 5 year plan for us. Eh? He's a dark horse that one. He told me that at the end of the 5 years we would have paid off everything we owe and then we can get married and, wait for it, have a baby. Holy moly. A b-b-baby?? I've always said that I wanted children however I'd always thought that it was years away and I had ages to think about and plan it. Now I'm 26 and he's 39 - neither of us are getting any younger.

Recently I have been thinking more seriously about having kids and I find myself starting to long for it. I'm not at the desperado stage yet however having him mention it and realising he's actually wanting to consider it has made me realise that, yes, I do want to be someone's mummy. Bizarre.

The weird thing is until about 6 months ago I still felt like a teenager and no way felt old enough to be a parent. Now my feelings are changing, I feel closer to being ready. Also, my new job is the first job where I've had the security to be able to even think about getting pregnant and going on maternity leave.

I know we're still talking about 5 years away however that gives us time to sort out our finances and for me to build a career for myself in the meantime.

I feel like I'm finally growing up...I like it! I am starting to feel more content. I never really had focus before whether it be in my job, with money or anything else important. But now I feel like I'm more in control and it makes a helluva difference to your whole outlook on life.

only the lonely

OH was working a late shift last night and tonight and I'm getting bored with just the dog to talk to. I've phoned various people for a chat throughout different stages of the day but nothing compares to having someone to cuddle up to on the couch. Don't get me wrong I could've gone out with friends today but I'm not really in the mood for idle chit chat. A short conversation on the phone has been enough to keep me in contact with the outside world without me having to strain myself! Sometimes I feel it's a struggle with some of my friends to keep the conversation flowing and I just can't be bothered like I used to. I'm my own worst enemy at times. I get lonely on my own after a long period by myself but I hardly make the effort with my friends anymore.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't be bothered. It does feel a bit like depression again but I only feel like this when I'm on my own for a while. Lately I've been so busy that I haven't had time to feel down or lonely. I have noticedin general that I have been smiling and laughing more; this has also been noticed by OH which he's pleased about. He has put up with so much over the past 8 years. As much as I moan about him and sometimes contemplate whether the grass is greener he has been my rock and is proud of me, always wants what's best for me and puts up with my strops! We've had our problems and prob will have some more but I'm starting to feel more hopeful about our future together.

sun, sea and sand

I'm lucky enough to live 10 mins from the beach. As I don't know what a long lie is I was up at my usual weekend time of 8am this morning; out with the dog twenty minutes later. We started off at the park (10 secs walk from my front door) and then I decided to head down to the beach since it was such a nice morning. It was lovely. I like this time of year when the weather starts getting better and yet it's still quiet with mainly only dog walkers out and about. Bliss.

smoke free

I was reading a blog this morning that I frequent and today's post referred to smoking. It is 11 weeks today since I stopped. Yipee! I'm very proud of myself. I smoked 20 a day and have tried umpteen times to stop with various "aids". Patches, inhalator, gum, tabs (yeuch!). Probably something else that I can't think of.

My stopping smoking came about because a friend of mine had told me that she'd stopped smoking by taking tablets (Champix). She said that she wasn't that bothered about stopping but tried them anyway and she hasn't smoked since and that was 4 months ago. It sounded like a miracle! I didn't really want to stop but I couldn't afford (monetary terms only) to keep smoking. So off I popped to the doctor's who told me I couldn't get the tablets because I'd been prescribed anti-depressants in the past. Smashing. Something to do with people topping themselves or something when taking these pills. AND they'd had a sound mind before taking them. So seemingly the doctor didn't wanna play russian roulette with my life. Pah.

This resulted in me deciding to pack it in on willpower alone and it worked! Go me!

the sun is shining

Well it's another Saturday morning - they come round quick don't they? It's beautiful outside. I was up bright and early this morning (long-lie? what's that?) and took my long-suffering dog a good energetic, shattering (for me) walk in the park. I always love getting up that bit earlier and letting my dog run free. He makes things seem so exciting and new. It really is a breath of fresh air.

I also like it when you meet other walkers early in the day as there seems to be a little buzz of excitement surrounding everyone. As if it's a new morning, a new day, that could bring endless possibilities.

Or.

Maybe I'm just a fantasist.

just when I thought it was safe...

...my job ends up sucking already. Had a complete bugger of a day today. One of the other women who works there decided to tell me how I should be conducting my training. This included her overruling my exisiting training format which has been constructed especially for, erm, trainees. I don't mind her giving me "constructive" criticism however she just seems to attack. She never lets me speak and continuously cuts me off or talks over me. It's so frustrating. Whilst we were having a "stand-off" my manager just sat there mmm-ing in agreement and everything we BOTH said and didn't actually provide me with any info on what I should do after getting under-minded by the person who has been there forever.

I can understand the fact I've only been there 3 weeks and this woman has been there for years and years and knows the job inside out however I have opinions and feelings too. The way she broached the subject was out of order. Along with the way she spoke to me and put across her argument i.e. rammed it down my throat until I gave in. God I'm getting so irate again just thinking about it!!

I don't know what to do really. I did stand up to her and challenged what she was saying although she pretty much ignored me and just carried on talking whenever I tried to get a word in. This is gonna be interesting over the next few months... It's times like this I wonder what I've let myself in for. I was so close to bursting into tears at my desk! That would have been pretty embarrassing. That's 2 days in a row... I'm just finding it so hard just now because I'm so far out of my comfort zone it's scary. Any time I ask for help I'm either ignored or looked at as if I'm the biggest hinderence of all time.

Bugger it.

first love

I was just recently thinking about my first love. God, what a rush that was. A complete rollercoaster. I was so hung up on him - he took my breath away and then broke my heart.

I was 17 and in love. I gave him all of me and received heartache in return. What a bummer. Don't get me wrong it was fun and exhilarating whilst it lasted but, my lord, did it hurt like hell when he ended it.

Emotions amaze me.

People go about their daily life with all sorts of heartache surrounding them with no-one else having an inkling that anything is worikng. There are people brushing past you in the street or serving you at the checkout and no-one knows the anguish you are going through. I hate that. It makes you feel all alone in the world when no-one is there at that moment to share your pain. It's like when you're in the funeral car and it's a sunny day outside. You look out the car window and everyone else is going about their day without a care in the world and you're just about to bury someone you love.

i don't like mondays

That's another Monday over. Good stuff. I'm not a fan of Mondays! Does everyone feel like this? I don't hate my job I actually quite enjoy it but I still hate Sundays when it gets closer to going to bed and then Monday mornings. Ugh. So depressing! I'm quite impressed though at how I'm feeling nowadays in my new job. It's amazing how changing something major in your life totally changes your attitude and outlook. Ok it's not really that amazing it's rather self-eplanatory. I do that a lot - think about something and I don't think it makes sense and then I say it out loud and it's so stupid that I never got it the first time! I guess it's a whole thought process though - I just have to make an idiot of myself in that process!

Anyway, moving on, my whole attitude seems to have changed just now. I was so down before when I didn't know what was going on with my job and whether I was staying or going. My previous job was very volatile. So many people were hired then fired within a short space of time because they didn't have the finance to train them further. It was a pretty depressing place to work with people getting the bullet day in day out. My performance was good however I was promised the Earth by my bosses and was delivered nothing. It's a long and laborious story that I'm not really interested in going in to at the moment. Suffice to say, I'm doing well in the job I'm in at the moment and can see myself staying for the long term and actually enjoying it which is a turn up for the books! I guess not many people can say they enjoy their job.

I've already been trying to decide what to do this weekend... It's pay day on Friday so may go out for dinner or a drink or something. Would quite like to do dinner with just the OH. Although I think I promised a good friend we'd go out for dinner with her and her new fella. I'd had a few at the time so I'm not sure whether I've got the facts right or not!

hello again

I can't believe it's been a fortnight since I've last posted! Note to self: must have more self-discipline. That's something I think I've been saying my whole life and it still hasn't happened! I only ever seem to bother posting when I'm having a bad time. But that would make for a pretty depressing blog...

Things between OH and I have settled down again. I thought it was over for sure the other day but that's another story. I don't really want to dwell on things too much. We're good at the moment. I think we both need to make more of an effort and not take each other for granted. Easier said than done though. I guess when you've been with someone for a while things can start to stale but I do love him and I can't bolt at the first sign of a real problem. That's not fair.

I heard on the news today about Mark Speight. I couldn't believe it. The poor guy. He must've been devasted when his fiancee died and for him to be questioned over it is horrible. And now there are 2 lives lost. This all started from them taking cocaine one night and having "a good time". I really feel for their families.